My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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