so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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