Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
