Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
