I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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