you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
