guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
