yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
