There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
