I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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