God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
