mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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