I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
