It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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