is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
