My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
