I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
