sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
