i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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