Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
