I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
