Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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