ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
