at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
