Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
