Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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