So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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