Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
