Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
