I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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