You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just high enough for therapy.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
