I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
