I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
