I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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