Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
