you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
