I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
