I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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