My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
