someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
