YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
