Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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