On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
