your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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