yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
