Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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