he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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