I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
