I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
