my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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