I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
